Man Jadda Wa Jadda

Do you want to know what exactly been running through my brain these very few days?

I’VE RUINED MY FIRST YEAR WITH MY SELF-CONTEMPT

I should make a striking scroll for this self-destructive confession

I don’t know how to redeem myself any longer.

Alright, the thing is I admit that I am feeling empty ever since I got myself to Warwick. I notice that I don't have a goal like I did when I was in Perak. I am no longer that determined, confident and proud girl that people used to be terrified of. I’ve changed and it’s not good at all. I am starting to take everything for granted. Just look at my writing for example. It’s no longer that complicated. It’s simplified and it’s petrifying.

I tried to tell this to most of my friends and seniors but none had managed to give me with the most satisfying answer. I asked for help. I travelled in case something like a revelation will be granted to me. That didn’t happen at all and what a waste! I only have less than three weeks to go before submitting my final three assignments. Such that if I took everything lightly this time, there would be fair chances that I will not even have the smell of upper second class honours.

 

Yup, klutz. That's your penalty. Cry and cry. That's for your one lackadaisical year. Do it next year and say goodbye to your first class honours. I'm such a jerk =(

I’ve done my calculation for my final grade and by prospect, if I were able to perform well during my final exam; I could at most go for the upper second mid class honours. That sounds rather okay instead of a third class honours. Why am I so troubled with my grades and studies? This result will portray my personality and attitude to everyone. If I couldn’t take my studies seriously, then my whole life will be wrecked with my rubbish recklessness and frivolity. No one will like that - no one, including my static pet, Eva or Yves.

This is nothing. My workplace for my SPM was a battlefield.

I realise that something is not right with my attitude these days. I can’t even feel the sweetness of iman. I am completely empty. One of the seniors said that it goes back to my intention. Maybe she’s right after all. What’s my intention? What’s my real intention? I don’t know? Maybe I just want to pass my course and serve the nation? Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I am easily giving up to laziness. Maybe I should aim higher? I want to be a dean. A good dean. A cool dean. Not that fancy dean that only knows how to brag about their big cars and house. I want to be the one who is well rounded. Excellent in my major field – English and well-informed with fundamentals of Islam.

I am completely brain dead.

I called up my parents yesterday, just to say “hi” and asked for recipes (girls). Basically, it was an “I-don’t-have-any-idea” call. Then mum asked me whether I would like to speak with my dad. Owh, all right. That would be a great idea mum. So I said. After all, I haven’t talked to my dad for many days already. The last time I called him was to ask if he’s doing fine. I’m such an insolent daughter. Initially, it’s just “how-do-you-do” sort of conversation. Pretty much boring and I almost dropped the phone that I started to wonder. Should I ask dad for some advice? He’s a grown up man. Sure he’ll have something interesting to tell me.

Me: Dad…you must reprimand me.

Dad: Why, kakak? Thought you’re doing great.

Me: (I know this wasn’t such a great idea). I’ve been such a nuisance. I rarely study or even flip my books. I don’t have that enthusiasm to study. I feel that I’m so thorn between my pledge to be good and study. I’m so jealous of you. I mean…although you’re not that kind of excellent student (because I helped you in your assignments. Used to) but you seem to have that commitment. You’ll invest some times for studies every night for the least one hour whilst I can’t even peel my eyes to open. I sleep; I eat and I wonder most of the times like a complete sicko. Dad, what’s happening to me? Tell me dad! I know this is wrong but I can’t seem to understand why I am super lazy.

Dad: That’s a tough question but Kak, do you still remember what you used to tell me? Remember your duty and promises. Allah lends you this life for you to worship him. You told me that. So does study fall into worship? It is, isn’t it? So what are you doing know, Kakak? Kak, remember this. The money you have now. The money that you are spending and use every single day comes from the people. Not me alone but everyone who pays the taxes. How do  you expect me to answer if anyone asked me what have you done with the money that the government has paid you? This scholarship is not free. There’s a catch. You need to serve your country.

Me: But that doesn’t an answer to my question.

Dad: You said you want to change. You want to be good. Do you know that the more determined you are to change, the bigger the challenges lie in front of you? If you realised, there’s something that follows you wherever you go and when your iman is growing, so will that thing.

Me: You mean syaitan?

Dad: Yes. Syaitan will always try to obstruct you from doing goods. It will try to prevent you from going near to good things. It’ll trick you. You know Islam is the truth but you doubt it. You even feel reluctant to open up the Koran. Syaitan is so unwaveringly insistent in destroying mankind. Sometimes, you should feel jealous of it. I mean, syaitan’s spirit is commendable and we, humans are the best of creations should be much better than it. Syaitan is so puny if it is compared to us. We should be stronger than it. Fight.

Me: How?

Dad: First, repent. There’s so much trouble you’ve been through. Especially the HOST thing and you shouldn’t be so full of yourself. You’re still weak.

Me: Okay, dad (I started to sob).

Dad: And it’s not too late to change. You’ve promised me that you’ll do your best. You said you don’t want to repeat the same mistakes you’d made before. Prove it to me.

Me: Dad…

Dad: Maybe what you could do is doing things little by little. Don’t change drastically because it won’t last. Improvise. Start with 15 minutes of learning then have a 15 minute break, do it for the whole day so that it’ll turn into a habit. When you’re getting used to the habit, extend your studies for another 15 minutes. Insya-Allah, it’ll work. Allah will help you if you really made an effort.

Me: Thanks dad. Thank you so much.

Sometimes, I just need someone like my parents to confide in and listen to my rants because they understand me better (well not all the time). Although I always get into their nerves or it works the other way round but they’re really are my closest friends. Thanks dad for knocking me off my comfort zone. Thanks mum for laughing at my awful jokes (and can’t stop talking about marriage). And dad who can be strangely weird with his forte of political ideologies; I felt a little bit much more composed when I hung up the phone. Though mum’s voice could be too shrilling and could be exasperating…that's them..but I still love them. No matter how terrible they are (Parents should be annoying, that's their job. Wait till our turns come) Thank you Allah for lending them to me. Please ya rabb. I want to repay their kindness and love with my excellent achievement for this year’s examination. I want to bring back those smiles that used to carve on their lips when I was that little standard four student. Please ya rabb. Amiin.

Man jadda wa jadda  ヘ(^_^ヘ)(ノ^_^)ノ.

P/S: I should be grateful that I am given good health and limbs to walk. I should be grateful that I am given two eyes to see and read the books. I should be grateful that I am given lips and tongue to utter intelligent words. I should be grateful that I am given a healthy brain to distinguish between good and evil. Alhamdulillah.

>>>Life is a nightmare if you kept on expecting others to help you. You ought to rely on yourself.